~5 Steps~

I was sitting here not really knowing what to write about again. I got to thinking about how I really feel about the loss of my legs, I was asked recently did I go through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.. I dont think I went through the denial...well may be I did..when I thought "well aint this a bitch?" and "what am I gonna do NOW". I didnt bargain I had no reason to..they weren't going to grow back. I knew that.. so how could I bargain? for what? The bargaining maybe went along with the acceptance, such as maybe a prayer asking to be able to handle this. I've said many times "Lord...get me through this, just get me to the other side, I will try, help me". Mad..yes..I get so mad..I guess the best way to describe that is when I say " I wanna tear my face off and be somebody else" That movie..face off.. reminds me of it...Put my face on another body..please.. I get mad and actually will sit and get SO angry and mad because I cant reach something or Ive dropped some thing for the ten thousandth time..and its NOT the chair Im mad at all, Im really MAD at me, because Im IN this chair...But then, If I sit long enough..Im glad I have it... I dont like to get on the floor at all..the only time you will see me down there is if I fall out of my chair.. and I dont really want those little boot things. well I would be even shorter than I am now..what good is that? I'd reach even less.. and Ive been on the ends of my stumps.. I did NOT like the feel..maybe because the bone is so far from the end.. I know many do , but well I DONT lol...I get mad at the fact that I wonder if I would have lit up that cigarette knowing this could happen to me as part of the cause? I dont know..If I had known maybe that this was DEFINITELY going to happen..They warn, saying cigarettes WILL cause cancer..maybe not in YOU, but in someone else..and we all just take that chance..I did...and look at me now... The grief? I can only compare to the feeling of hearing my Dad was dying.. like a huge hand reaches into my chest and grabs a part of my heart,, the pain is horrendous..and the gaping hole left there is unfillable by anything.. and never gets smaller...Its the only way I can describe it.. I think the loss of my legs is worse. I cant see my Dad, unless I look at his photos.. But I have no choice but to see where my legs WERE..daily..all my waking hours, I'm reminded..maybe thats why this grief will NEVER go away and stays raw and so fresh, that some days.. I will be honest.. I cry for them..for the loss.. that knowing I will NEVER have them back..and just Look at the total turn around my life has had NO choice but to take..and I have NO choice but to well ROLL with it and some days that is SO hard to do.. . The depression I think is the same as the grief..the same affect.. when I grieve I go to a dark spot..get angry, and well get into a snit..where I do feel sorry for myself..and just have a big old pity party..and cry ..but I know I am NOT the only one that goes through this.. and I dont think honestly this depression or grief will ever go away..how can it? This has affected the whole rest of my life.. and I am reminded every waking hour of all the changes thats taken place because of the loss of just 2 legs.. when all they did was walk..I had to shave them had uglies toes of ANY woman in the world too I want you to know.. but.. I think what is making me mad..is because it DOES put limitations on me..as to what I can do. I can say I can DO anything.. well.. no..I honestly cant..Be honest here.. theres alot I just cant do.. Well maybe if I was 20 or 30 .maybe but..I dont think so. I still couldnt walk could I? :-) The depression is something that we have to accept as well..and as the time goes on..for me.. I can feel its getting better or worse..and people that really know me can tell. I go into one of those Snitty things lol.. But the steps? well steps start and end..some of these dont and are continuing every day and wont stop..so are they steps or just the path we now are on? ..Well..right now? lol You KNOW what Im gonna say, Im on the path to the kitchen lol.. yup.. lunch..well..they delivered it, that I will admit..but Im very hungry if that tells you anything.. And my boy here is laying on my keyboard..so I think hes trying to tell me something too, get off it or hes gonna type and I might not like what hes got to say :-) Happy 4th of July tomorrow when y'all have one of those juicy burgers or eat some of that homemade Ice cream some I know are making, you better take an extra bite for me, when you do, think of me and say "ahh thats so GOOD, I wish Lois had a bite" smile though and know I can taste it too :-) Nitey Nite!!! Y'all have a good one now y'hear? luv ya and Thanks! Always, Lois **** May God Bless you today, I'm so honored to call you friend, I pray the Lord will keep you safe, Until I write again...