~The Bone Inside~
A few days back I was left a comment about my post when I wrote
and described the leg bones left inside my stumps..How they feel..
and what they look like ..that you can actually see the flat end, as
the time..well years now, 6 tomorrow for the right, the first time,
below the knee, a month later, above, it had gotten infected again,
and had to be taken higher.. You can see by where my fingers are
pushing down..the middle fingers on my hands..and the index finger
on my right are at the very flat end of the bone..My index finger
on the left hand is on the very top of the bone..But you can almost
see the flatness..I think its so interesting..just cut flat, I hope you
can tell by this photo. Please dont take it to share or put some
where else. :-)
can tell by this photo. Please dont take it to share or put some
where else. :-)
Im pushing the leg bone up against my fingers but its a bit hard to
see.These were taken by web cam on a capture..Wasn't easy..lol..
But it really shows the bone quite well..and almost the size around
of it..I would say maybe 2 inches? maybe inch half..well I could
measure and do a guessing game again lol..been awhile..:-) I
really have no idea..Its not like I really TRY a lot to feel it you know
lol..well not really a need.I have no feeling that I can feel when I
touch it, I know I am because I feel it on my fingers..I think..???
well this is interesting :-D..I felt it,but im not sure where the feeling
is..the bone.or the muscle? or what..so guess how big across the
bone is.. I will measure... I aint promising nuthin if you guess right,
but maybe say If you DO-YOU have to get me a birthday present
:-) or maybe I might send a better photo. lol.. This is not a recent
photo, in one very current, the muscle now is even more pliable, so
I would think it would be even more noticeable..and this is not a
clear photo.either.... I didn't have time to take a new clearer one,
it was a hectic day. I am in a rather up and down mood..Ive been
remembering..I do that a lot. Januarys are hard sort of for me..not
counting the fact Im another year older, plus my sister died 2 years
ago on my birthday. January is well..this one lets hope is a start
of a REALLY great one.. :-) Everyone could use that I think.. :-)
Tomorrow morning , 6 years ago..was when I had that right leg
amputated below the knee. About 4 am or so..they came and got
me..I remember..like was today..I am glad..I don't feel the pain
anymore, the horrible pain I was in constantly that I know I was in
this time of night..6 years ago..scared..yet wanting my leg off so bad..
sobbing, knowing it was hours away. WANTING it gone..That I was
almost free from that daily torture. Im still in pain..not agony.
the phantoms hurt and its like losing a loved one..its a painful thing.
I mourn the loss of them sometimes..Like I do my parents, some
thing I really really loved... I do remember those days filled with
such suffering and painful agony..beggin them to "please..just take
it..cut if off ..NOW.. .." I remember..All the morphine and dilotoid..It
did hardly anyhing to stop or even slightly ease that suffering..was
an awful time. I was REALLY losing everything.. My foot had totally
died..and had turned black died inch by agonizing inch, I fell
and broke my leg just above the ankle on Thanksgiving at Donnies.
That's when my foot and leg really started to die.
This time of night at the hellhome.. I know what I was doing back
then.. I was on my bed..rocking back and forth..the room was
totally dark..I had pulled my curtain around my bed..even though
no one shared my room with me..I was alone in there, all I did
all night was moan and cry and wait..I wanted that pain GONE..
what ever they had to do to stop the suffering.. I was SO ready,
maybe that's what helps me now.. I had really WANTED it off..
that I had really accepted it before it was taken..where many
know its going to ..but don't want it gone.. I did..the PAIN had
to go..The nurse would be bringing me more pain meds about
now, I know what I did the rest of this nite..and I know what is
ahead of me tomorrow..I remember..I will tell you about tomorrow
tomorrow, its not bad..the pain is gone..so is my foot..
I got an email..from Elena..that said a DEAR friend of mine.. Ive
mentioned him before..he likes when I do..from Australia. Blue-
hes a sweetheart. well he apparently contacted her..sent a
email that is going to be in tomorrows paper! A letter to the
editor..Blue..you stinker. lol...she said 'how intriguing that hes a
retired police officer, you know people all over the world' which
I do..and I am really glad I do, she seemed amazed I think that I
did..and too that he contacted her..:-) stinker..lol.. no more candy
for you Blue lol..was really nice though I think..
Well..Im tired..I said this is a up and down time for me..and I
think that's why im not sleeping good..Too much on my mind..I
guess the remembering's too... I was up again this morning at
3 or so..been up since.. Im tired.. wasn't a bad day though..
Penny was here..picked up REAL food at a restaurant for me..
and Raelynn stopped by, she and I both said how we do miss
going shopping and out to eat..but we cant..she uses Dolly's
KIA..I cant get in and out of it..shes hoping she can get a small
car..cheap one of course..and good on gas..and around here.
front wheel drive.. The way its been ..we still don't have snow..
sposta this week end..but not much..makes me leary..lol..but
all I gotta do is watch it..Ive got glass between me and it.. ..Be
nice to go with Raelynn again tho..we did laugh alot..shes so
funny..she brought me a great touch lamp too! The boys enjoyed
her being here..they get sick of me and she steady plays with
them..
Well its bedtime for Bonzo..boy that's an old movie..I NEVER
saw it lol..I did..later lol..about a monkey I think named Bonzo..
I need to remember the way to my bed is what I NEED to do.
so guess what im writin next.. Nitey Nite .. :-)
Y'all have a good one now Y'hear.. love ya..and thanks..a lot :-)
ALways, Lois ****
God Bless you is my prayer today,
I'm so honored to call you "friend";
I pray the Lord will keep you safe
until I write again..
11 Comments:
At 3:58 AM, Anonymous said…
Hi, Honey,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, and the pic. It surely is a sad time for you, but just remember that there is a lot of LOVE for you out here. My heart goes out to you, as do those of many more.
If Raelynn could find a Subaru "Justy", that might be a good buy. It is small outside, but big inside. The engine is 1200cc and it has 4-wheel drive. Should give about 40 - 45 miles to a gallon. Like most Jap cars, they are utterly reliable. They are not produced anymore, sadly,so it would have to be a used car. They are very popular here on Exmoor, where the 4WD comes in handy. I know they were exported to the U.S.A.
Take care, Hon. L.O.L. & G.B.H. from
Raife.
At 7:32 AM, Lois said…
Morning Raife,
Yes, its a bit of a rough month for me, emotionally, plus being a 5 week month as well, and even though its my birthday its the only zodiac sign that really describes me kinda accurately so I guess I have to keep this as my month.. One of them, law of averages, has to be good.. Last year it was the same rough start, I remember lol..
She needs a small car like I had a 86 plymouth reliant..front wheel drive..that was the best little car. mine was my parents. nothing stopped that car..I gave it to Donnie when I moved into the hell home. He sold it I think.. Has to be one low to the ground unless I can get a van with a ramp..Now THEN I WOULD go..Raelynn and I talked about a trip up North..She lived in the UP of MI long time ago too.. Id like to take a trip east, Boston, NY, NS, Canada, that way, a nice van would get me there lol, wonder if the birthday fairy will bring one for my new garage..I can make Donnie move his stuff :-D lol.Boy! is THAT wishful thinking.. Well maybe my Knight is really delivering a van to me with his horse in it LOL. I think I should go back to bed ..
Have a good day. :-D
Always, Lois ****
At 7:38 AM, Gray said…
Thanks for that post. I enjoyed it a lot. I love to hear about your legs. to me of course they are awfully beautiful.
Adult femur shafts are a little over an inch in diameter at that point- perhaps 1/8 inch larger than a quarter in diameter. It will feel larger of course because of the tissue around it.
I feel so badly that you went though all that pain. I wish that I could go back somehow and fix it.
That's wonderful that you had so much company yesterday. You know some really nice people.
Have a great day, Lois.
-Gray
At 8:01 AM, Lois said…
Morning Gray..
That was a horrible time.. I think the very worst that I can remember, from even my house burning down..to open heart surgery.. I had lost more than everything back then, even legs..this time-in October-when I ended up homeless and lost everything, It still hadnt compared to back then...
I find my leg amputations really interesting..the sensations I feel.. I had a chat about the things I say to describe what I feel that some may take it as sexually conductive.I dont mean it that way but if it does- is that so bad? we all react to things said differently.. lol. I mean them as fact and as a way to help others know what its really like..
This has been a learning experience, and I may have found a way to perhaps do some good at least around here .. for the Dearies, Id really be hell on wheels if I had a van too lol.. a DUALY...ya .. I BE BAD :-D..
Nice to hear from you ..umm whats your name again? Ron? Joe? lol..I aint forgettin that GRAY !!! lol..:-p... lol.
Have a good day honey..ahhh THATS who you is!!! lol..
Always, Lois ****
At 10:49 AM, Anonymous said…
Her, wow! What a fascinating entry on your today's blog, lovely lady. You have a nice way of presenting ideas, you are a good communicator. It is a ++ to be with you these few minutes.
Sometime tell the world about the Imelda Marcos syndrom.
Meanwhile have a happy day.
D/P
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous said…
Dear Lois
Thanks for such an illuminating insite into your amputations. it really helps allof us understand what you went thru. you are the only one who tells it like it is.was the second amoputation just as hard and why did that leg have to be take. when you had one leg did you ever wear an artifical leg. Thank for all the info. you are one of a kind
At 1:32 PM, Lois said…
Hi D/P..
thanks :-) nice to hear from you..well I just say how it is for me..what I feel like .. Im glad that I can express it well enough to actually describe what its like..
when I had to have my amputations, all were infected and needed to be taken..I have PVD..an artery disease..
no cure..just a matter of seeing how long I can stay in one piece lol.. How will anyone know if I dont say how it is..I hope NO ONE has to go what I went thru..Sure aint easy being me lol..
Hope yall have a great day..:-) good to hear from you both.thanks....
ALways , Lois ****
At 8:29 AM, Anonymous said…
Lois I am so glad you make it through all of it. Your one great lady. So glad you share your life with us...so much for us to learn from each other...God bless you...Mary
At 8:55 AM, Lois said…
Hi Mary,
Good to hear from you..Thats very true.. we each experience things differently..unless we say how would someone else know or begin to understand..
Hope you have a great day.. :-)
Always, Lois ****
At 7:59 PM, Anonymous said…
hot atumps!
At 9:24 PM, Lois said…
Hi Chester.. im glad you think so..
Always, Lois ****
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