3 Years Ago

Since I have started keeping this sort of daily thought diary, I got
to thinking about the one I started a long time ago..I dug it out of
my dresser where I stashed it i have NO idea when. I looked at the
date of the last time I wrote in it.. Oct 1, 2002.. I just skipped these
last three i guess i must have been busy or something Or do you think
that was when I got my computer that Christmas? lol..Yes,, I started
to get online.

I opened it to the next blank page and wrote in todays date, then
went back to what was going on back 3 years ago..the 3rd year of
hell as I put it.. The entry said: The nurse still comes 3 times a
week. the pain is so bad she has to give me a shot before she can
even touch my stump. The wound wont heal. I hate my life.

that was all i wrote. Now 3 years later, its healed, I am doing ok,
I have lots of friends, a fairly ok place to live, food, my boys, I
guess it has improved greatly. I DONT hate my life. In fact I
think I could say Im reasonably happy. I think if I had my 2
hearts desires, my train ride and to live on the water I could be
quite content. Well..Maybe ONE more thing but Ill let you guess
what THAT is lol...

I wrote in todays date, which I felt like i had TOTALLY forgot
how to even hold a pen long enuff to write out a check, I wrote
just what i said up there. I looked back to the beginning of my
journal and the first day I wrote in it was january 8, 1983.
Thats quite a long time. I didnt write daily, just off and on..I
went months with no writing.

As I went thru the pages, i read thru the bits of things I had
put in there, sadly, mainly Obituary Notices of family that I
had lost. I had put my divorce papers, some old photos. and
some newspaper clippings of my dad when he used to be a
weather observer back in 55 and 56. He was a good man.
There are 3 pictures of me in there as well that I had for
gotten about. I had just moved to IN from TX and doing
what I call a re-start. I sure have done a few of those,
This last one was a REAL RE-START.!!!! I must have
sat and read for 2 hours.. by the time 1992 came
up in there the leg problems began. I read all the
times they had been bypassed, from then to the time
I lost them in 2001 i think they each had been done
4 or 5 times each.. Nothing worked. I was diagnosed
with PVD in 93, but nothing said about what was possibly
ahead, abdominal bypasses, heart bypasses and then
not even a slight hint I could lose my legs...I had NO
idea until I heard the words, "we have to take the leg
off below the knee Lois." That was in Jan, the 11th,
9 days before my 55th birthday 2001.

Just reading these past years in my diary I got to
thinking about the years before that and all the stuff
i lived thru and survived... i have to smile , i mean
no one would believe if I wrote everything year to year.
The trials and challenges kept getting harder and
harder. Maybe so that THIS one I could handle it better.
Today I guess you could say I have an attitude. that
is like .."Look, i have been thru the mill,, come on..try
me some more now..i am IN THE MOOD !!! " lol...I
do tend to get that way when everything I try to do
just seems to get done backwards, inside out or not at
all..

I was asked once, what did u feel when u woke up and
saw your leg gone?... I know i had been up earlier but I
remember waking up and laying there i sat up..my room
was dark, and only the hall light was out there , I had a
private room. I sat and looked around not sure of where
I really was, I could hear a radio..and I put my hands on
my knees cuz my right leg was so sore. I looked down
and noticed the emptyness part way down, I just sat and
stared at it..i reached and felt and my foot was gone. I
looked out the window and cried, thinking "This really
isnt a dream.."

Well 3 years later, here i sit with NO LEGS at all....they
ache, they let me know they are really still there, in my
mind they never left. but then do loved ones ever really
leave us even though we never see them again?

Im off to watch tv, hope everyones week end was NOT
as DULL as mine. No it was fine I got some new friends
thru doing this that well just makes my day. Kinda does
make me feel "Special"....
Y'all have a good one now y'hear?
Always, Lois