~Its NOT Easy~

I put those photos last nite of my parents..working in their garden and

that is how I remember them.. I took those pictures. I am so glad I did..

of them doing just the everyday things. I think as the years went by and
I realized that they had aged.. That was rather hard to sink in, and I
think if a parent does get ill or need special care..that its hard for the child
to assume the role of parent tho many have no choice but to do that...

Its so hard for a child to see their parents incapacitated, they were
always the care providers.. I have to say I did not see my parents, ever,
when they were not in good health.. My dad died of pancreatic cancer..
By the time they found it, was too late..and he died within 3 months of
diagnosis..I was on the way home to see him..only 4 hours away, when
I called home to say I would be home sooner, I caught a earlier bus, my
mother told me my dad had already died. I never saw him..he was
cremated..My mother.bless her heart.committed suicide.9 months after
my father died.. She jumped into the river and drowned herself.They
had been married 56 years she could not endure life with out him as hard
as she tried.. She cried everyday for him..Well he was her constant
companion, friend, lover and her reason for living for almost all of her life.
I understand.It was just very hard to accept..that there was nothing I
could or my sister OR all the family she had around her..NOTHING was
a good enough reason for her to go on..

I can understand that, as I HAVE been at that point in MY own life..
that I felt there was NO reason to go on. I'll be honest- it was a little
over 2 years ago.I WAS at that point. I had decided I had enough..
and there was NO reason. that I could see that I needed to inflict the
daily pain and just anguish on myself..by going thru each day.. I made
all the arrangements. I was prepared..VERY prepared.. I had it all
planned..and was very ready.. But ..well then I started thinking again,
and looked at these 2 little boys laying here by me now..I was going to
take them with me..Oh yes.. I would never leave my boys for any reason
they need me.. but I had NO right to take their lives, even though they
are "JUST Animals".. they have rights. I thought about everything..over
and over again..How I felt when I found out my mom killed herself and I
was not enough to make her want to live..to be with me. I thought of my
sister, Donnie. everyone I Knew, I could NOT do this and inflict that hurt
on ones I did dearly Love...

Well-- then I got mad.. I mean really MAD..that what ever made me get
into THIS bad a frame of mind- that I REALLY wanted OUT.. Well..Push
me around? or CONTROL me? no way.. I control myself.. I am in charge
of me..NO one or nothing else.. So I just restarted more or less again.. It
was NOT easy to get past that, trust me. I still get very down some
days. I have to really fight to get out of it- Then I sleep.to me that is the
easiest way to get past those times.. The times goes by and I look at the
day and the date..and like I said the other night.. "what happened, where
did the TIME go?" I realize I did make it for another few months with
out really realizing, but I DID do it.. I just wish my mother had felt that
way as well..but..She felt she had NO other way she could NOT endure
the pain and heartache.. and I do know how bad a heart can ache. I think
we all do. but I, for one...can't just quit.. I can't.. thats NOT me..
I will fight..:-) ok ? Fair Warning! :-)

Well now that I made y'all totally bummed out lol..no I hope not..just
relaying some feelings and perhaps will help you to get to know this
chickeny sparky GORGEOUS WEEBLE :-D ..

Anyway - I have been having major problems with CRAP - - then get

into these SNITS as I call them..and talking to friends about different

things triggers these posts of mine.. So-- this night is sneaking up on me

and I havent even taken the time to eat today I was trying to figure out

problems with this puter..and so now yes.. I AM STARVED.. ohh you

KNEW I was gonna say that , LOL... I know what lunch was and i didnt

eat it Raelynn put it in the fridge and its spaghetti and they do make
good spaghetti for lunch only bad part of it they put SPINACH in with
it ICK!! Spinach and Spaghetti DO NOT go together, maybe they put
them together cuz they both start with an S, I dont know LOL I dont
like spinach- you can put that stuff right in the same bucket as the
CARROTS lol.ok time to publish- Im headed on my usual route to the
FOOD AREA. Nitey Nite :-)

Y'all have a good one Y'hear? Luv Ya & thanks...

Always, Lois****

May God Bless you today,

I'm so honored to call you friend,

I pray the Lord will keep you safe,

Until I write again...