~Hellhome Photos~

I found some photos I had forgotten about that were also taken

at the hell home.. They were taken I would guess by what I have

on..during the summer.. This first one, well its not the greatest

photo.. but that is me.. I was at that time very seriously depressed

and that was why the massive weight loss. As that year progressed

I went down to 100 pounds. The Dr. warned me if I went under

100 that they would have to put a tube in and feed me that way

since I seemed to just not be able to eat. well that scared me

horribly and I cried for a whole day, I didn't want that done..They

didn't but I had to promise that I would really try to eat..I just had no

appetite that I can remember at all..I didn't know where I was half

the time.The worst seemed to be at night.. Look at my arms..how

skinny.. My hair was very short..they had cut it deciding for me that

it was easier for me to take care of even though I didn't I went to the

beauty shop once a week and had it done. THAT I really MISS lol..

They were letting all the residents, as they called us, bake pies

then we all got to eat them..We did have fun.The ones in charge

of the different departments helped us..That was Kathy, she was

in charge of housekeeping, she was so sweet, makes or made

dolls.I don't know if she is still there or not. I can see it from here

if I look out my kitchen window..past the tree and the white house..

over back there is where the hell home is. The pies were very good

I was already a sak.. this had to be summer because of the thin silk

top I had on and if you look at the photo you can see outside

it looks very nice out..all green..

This had to be early summer..Lenora and I and about 3 or 4 other

ladies are working on a quilt that we are going to enter in the fair..

which I think is in august.. and we all cut and put this thing together

and entered it in it..we won 3rd prize I think..I have the blue ribbon..

they gave each of us one.. and the quilt may still be hanging over

there with my name on it.. it turned out really pretty..that's kind of

what got me back into sewing and starting to slowly know who and

what I am again..

We had an activites director she was in the photo awhile back

of me as a sak..That's my dear friend Ceola..she and I were

buddies..where I went she went and what a beautiful woman..

Her skin was so porcelain looking and the whitest hair..and

she made eggs..the huge huge ones..and she cut them open

and decorated them..They had quite a few on display she won

lots of awards for her eggs. I have her old sewing machine ..

She died about a year after I left..She was a Dearie for sure..

I know there is a lot I don't remember.. Lots I do..I think I can get

my records from there and I would like to read them..see what I

did and said.. I would imagine they kept records of when I was

telling them all those goofy things like whiining that the bunnies

wont play with me..or going back and forth to my room and

steady telling them I couldn't find it they moved it on me..I do

remember these things..but its kind of like a dream thing..and

as bad as I was I cant be really sure that they happened but I

know they did? that doesn't make sense..lol.. Its like the times

that I was hallucinating, was just me dreaming..but I know I was

up and rolling around.. I remember stealing the book..lol.. well

they shouldn't have told me it was the RED book of the BAD

things we did..I was out of my mind..like I wanted a record of

it? no.. I took the notebook late one night ..stole it from the

desk..went to the bathroom and read all the crap and decided

to tear it up and destroy the evidence.. and I did.. every trash

can in that place had some of it in. I would stash it under my

cushion ..go by a trash and throw some in..that way it didn't

come out of my room..I only was nuts part of the time lol..

I was glad, sad..I found those photos..I honestly had forgotten

them..when I look at that very top one..I am sad really..look how

skinny I am. that was such a sad time..Im glad I honestly really

didn't know it all the time..I like to remember these good times

in these photos..with my Dearies though.. so many there and I

feel so bad.. I cant go back and see them..all those that knew

me are gone, a few of the nurses are,, Jan is..she was and still is

a dedicated and really good nurse.and so pretty..we got along

really well..But I cant go back there.. I cant..

This post is early, I got up at 3 am and I am just totally wore out
and just so tired .. I could sleep for a couple days i think.. I am
just going to get out of this chair for awhile, see if i can get a bit
more sleep time.. I hope Dutch doesnt chase shadows tonite, he
cant now its still daylight I may have to switch to a night time
person..lol.... Nitey Nite.. :-)

Y'all have a good one now , Y'hear? love ya ..and thanks.. :-)

Always, Lois ****

God Bless you is my prayer today,

I'm so honored to call you "friend";

I pray the Lord will keep you safe

until I write again..