~What Do I Know?~

Ive been thinking of some of the things that I do know I

did or saw or said when I was really I guess you could say

out of my mind.. Its amazing what the mind will block out.

I don't remember the feeling of the pain...but I do remember

the lost dark feeling from the depression.. THAT was the

awful part.. I know there were times that I seemed totally

rational but then I remember times..that I saw the dust

bunnies on the floor.. They were real to me.. I would play

and have big fun with them. I honestly don't think anyone saw

or really heard me playing with them and just thought I was

really out of it rolling back and forth and laughing..They saw

me laughing instead of crying so I bet they thought I was

better.. Not playing with invisible dust bunnies..

I would sit in the middle of my room..and wait.. I would scan

the floor..specially under my bed.. My bed was an awesome

place now..to me... I was nutz then remember? I had the

bunnies that lived under it.. I had the eyes at the foot of the bed

that watched me..and laughed at me when I cried.. I had the

ants.. NOW.. THOSE I didn't like very well.. I would throw stuff

at them..the whole top of my bed was covered with big YELLOW

ants!..everywhere.. they never came close to me..and never

got on me tho.. I think the mind knows how far to push these

hallucinations.. These ANTS ate everything I threw at them ..

My hairbrush, comb... pencil..all disappeared.. I looked for them

afterwards..and the bed ate them.. No.. I would find them on the

floor on the end of the bed...usually the next sane moment I had..

The bunnies were fun.. I would wait for them sitting real quiet..I

would see one..and I would roll as fast as I could up to it and try to

roll over it.. Lots I missed.. the ones I did hit tho..they went POOF!

and would kinda spark...like a static charge... I would laugh and

try to find another one.. Quite often the bunnies would come out

and play with me.. The animals..I had stuffed cats, dog..teddy bears

at the foot of my bed that were given to me..by my sis mostly, and

I had them all lined up..facing the head of the bed.. I would sit up

and look at them down there.. Usually if I was asleep and woke up,

and it was dark in there.. I would see them..and they would watch

me.. I talked to them all the time..they never answered me.. but If

I got off the bed.. their eyes would follow..when I would sit there and

cry they would laugh at me, making me so mad..

I had lots of company even though there wasn't a soul in my room..

I think I was awake more at night than I was during the day.. I know

many times I would roll down to the nurses station and sit and talk

to the nurses there.. I would head back to my room and most times

I would get lost.. go back down to the desk..and tell them THEY

MOVED my room! when it was me..just confused.. I think it had

to be from the depression... I think it was just a total melt down..I

just couldn't handle any more.. I wanted to just be nothing.. no

worries , cares.. and just be there... As I gradually came out of this

I think really I had a good time.. The dearies loved me as I did them.

Most all the nurses were great too..1 or 2 were buggars, but the

majority were really nice...

The people that were the department heads..they didn't.. because I

would tell the family's of problems.. and If I found out the state was

coming for an inspection..they tried to put me to sleep..gave me

some weird pill..said to replace one I had.. well I didn't take it.. I

tried to help the ones there..and there was a lot that went on.. that

I saw that I didn't like.. when there were no nurses to be found..or

when a resident fell out of their chair.. or worse when they just don't

do anything.. the ones with no family got the worst of it.. Ones with

family they knew when they came..and made sure that resident

was looking good.. I interfered a few times.. I had to.. I was afraid

these people would die .. one lady..they would bring her food.. and

leave it on her table.. she would fall asleep constantly..no one fed

her.. Then time was up..come and take her tray saying.."Gladys

dear..your not hungry to day?" well NO, she fell asleep..this went

on for weeks.. I got worried.. They wouldn't let me go in and feed

her.. and when I asked them to help her..they said yes..but had

others they had to feed first...

I told her family, I had to.. I saw my room mate die..because she

was put in front of a open window..to cool down..for HOURS..

I was gone.. I came back..and she was frozen..so cold.. I covered

her , yelled to have the window shut.. I couldn't do it.. 3 weeks later

my roomie was dead.. Pneumonia.. she was 89 years old.. and

had No family.. I still have her quilt..its on my bed now..They asked

me if I wanted it..when they took her things out.. She was the

sweetes lady..and looked just like my grandma.. Shes not cold now,

and is getting the best care...


That's what was so hard for me there...and another reason I call It

the HellHome.. I was in Hell and most of the dearies were too at

some time or another.. The ones that didn't know where they were

I have to say Im glad.. really glad..the ones that did know.. didn't

like it much..but had no where else to go.. I feel bad that I cant go

back there.. I tried twice.. I rolled through the outside door into the

lobby and saw those 2 white swinging doors that went INSIDE..

I almost got physically sick.. I had to leave.. I just couldn't go back

thru those doors..even KNOWING I could just turn around and go

back out..I couldn't do it..

Well the door I want to go thru now is my kitchen one..of course..

well GORGEOUS WEEBLES need food..by the looks of my photos

yesterday I would bet your saying "hmmm nooo she don't need a lot

of FOOD " . that's what I said.. :-) but Im hungry ..lunch was its

usual guess it kind and I know I have something better out there..I

just have to look.. Time for my "Nitey Nite"

Y'all have a good one now, Y'hear? love ya and thanks :-)

Always, Lois ****

God Bless you, is my prayer today,

I'm so honored to call you "friend";

I pray the Lord will keep you safe,

Until I write again.....