~The Ride~

Something I find most amazing, I guess would be a good word to describe it, is the mood swings that happen without any warning and no telling what will trigger them.. Maybe a line in a email..or something that is said to me,. Or even something I hear on the TV.. Some days I wake up ready to go..no thoughts or real concerns and I think that well it may be a steady even going day, with no stress, no bad thoughts..and best of all no worries about anything.. Which, for someone like me, who's middle name is worry, I don't think that EVER stops.. I mentioned to a friend that phoned me, "its a good thing I maybe AM, in this chair, and on wheels so I can roll with these staggering ups and downs"... Its like being on that roller coaster... the roller coaster is so exciting.. thrills. Scares.. you don't know what to expect..But I think I prefer it- that ride, the merry go round.. that's all it does ! same thing over and over.. I think I prefer the roller coaster really.. The fun days are great! and as fast as they go..you can coast right over those bad spots a lot faster, and get on with the rest of the ride... :-) Maybe thats why I am on wheels now, the ride is going to get faster and hopefully more fun! :-) I was reading my journal.. I still write in it.. I started it a long Time ago, sometimes it was a couple years between writings in it.. but It is interesting how I felt about myself,, my life..and the people in it.. I first wrote in it back in January, 1983... and why I decided to write it I really don't know.. But as I scanned through it.. I had put in different things that I wanted to save.. Obituarys of family, or a special friend, notices from newspapers.. I looked at how thick this book had become over these years.. and I thought.. that's how my life has really been. I didn't see things taken away from me.. I saw how much had been ADDED to this book... that it was thicker and expanded.. and as I read the pages, I noticed the change in my self... I was older, wiser, and of course more GORGEOUS.. now, you KNEW I was gonna say that !! :-) But I read of all the things that had happened and what I wrote.. and I thought about how I feel NOW, do I feel my book is full? Or when I look at this book do I see all the dozens of pages still to be written on.. to FILL this whole book.. I see those pages waiting for me to fill them.. not necessarily all good things.. but as I read back.. the things I had thought were not good..had turned out to be just FINE!.. and I am still here to fill those pages.. which knowing me.. you KNOW I will...:-) Rebecca came today and we had a nice discussion about some of my fears and concerns and I am hoping she will help to get some of them solved.. She is going to check into the buying of this house..To see if its a good thing for me, or to keep things as they are and just be a renter.. I think if this house were up to par..and I had no fear of losing my grant.. I would buy this place.. I think back to year half ago, when I was homeless and now I am considering buying a house.. I am very fortunate that this could even be possible or that I can even consider it..Rebecca promises to help me as much as she can and I have no doubt she will.. I just don't want to get into something and get stuck.. she has almost guaranteed me that I never need to ever worry about being homeless again.. I watched the news when our weather was so awful and it showed all the homeless flocking to the shelters for a bed and to stay warm.. I felt so sorry for them.. wishing I could help since I know so well just how they feel.. and its such a awful feeling..its such a deep lost one.. I felt I had totally betrayed myself..that I had lost the ONE person I could depend on to take care of me.. and that WAS me !! and I had NOT done a good job at all.. It made me furious..that I could mistreat my self so badly to end up in such a state.. but it made me MAD.. and after days of crying and feeling so low, I made up my mind I was NOT going to tolerate this from myself.. and look at me now.. I may not have the greatest.. but.. well I have food, 2 wonder ful companions.. and with a little elbow grease..this place would do ok.. I am no LONGER homeless... I know those people I saw..I know they too would like to say that.. I sure wish I could help them never have to say it again.. just like I wont.. I NEVER want to ever say that about myself again. Lord willing and the creek dont rise, I wont ever have to.. :-) and thats a GOOD thing.. :-) Well today is slowly closing.. I logged off early yesterday..and I got no knitting done at all..why? 3 guesses.. yup..that stinkin 'eyes shut' button on my clicker got me.. I kept dozing off until I finally just shut the lamp and TV off at about 11:30 ..and decided I might as well just sleep, and I did.. ALL NIGHT too.. I didn't get up to make even ONE potty call.. THAT is a GOOD nights sleep :-) So im gonna try to do the same thing today.. although I do hope I get some knitting done.. we are running out of time before our baby boy gets here.. That time again.. for my grateful GORGEOUS WEEBLE words: "Nitey Nite"... Y'all have a good one now, Y'hear? love ya, and THANKS!!! :-) ALways, Lois **** God Bless you, is my prayer today, I'm so honored to call you "friend"; I pray the Lord will keep you safe, Until I write again.....