~Depression~

The depression I think started before my heart bypass to as far
back as when I was realizing something was wrong with my legs.
When I could hardly walk but just a few steps before the pain
would hit. Gradually it incresed as what I could do was getting
so limited, walking and going the main thing.

By the time my husband asked for a divorce shortly after my
triple heart bypass I was in a depressed state. I think the heart
surgery, which was totally unexpected, and the loss of my husband
and home and later learn most of my belongings put me into such
a horrible place that my mind refused to accept it. I dont remember
exact months of some things that happened, only know they did,
by remembering them or being told what I did.

There were times that I remember when I would wake up and not
recognize anything. I would listen intensely trying to recognize a
sound, looking at the curtain around my bed and it looked like a
lightweight window curtain, and I could hear nothing. I looked at
my room and I didnt know what I was looking at. I was totally
scared, and of course cry. I would look at my leg gone and the
little stump left and think, WHO IS THIS?...

I remember being in my chair, calling the nurse, because the dust
bunnies wouldn't play with me and ran from my chair. I would
see them running all over the floor and try to catch them, and
they would disappear when I got to them. lol. I had lots of stuffed
animals, cats, mainly at the foot of my bed, all lined up, I looked
at them, and it looked like people peeking up at me from the end
of my bed, watching me, when I would ask them "WELL? WHO
ARE YOU?, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" And they wouldnt
answer me! ... I would get so upset, and crawl to the end of the
bed, and when I got there realize well DUH~!~ was my animals.
Or the yellow ants, and even telling the nurses when I would go
down to the station that they were so mean cause they kept
changing my room on me and I couldnt find it. I think of some of
the things now...and I can laugh at the things I remember doing
and saying, those poor nurses HAD to feel sorry for me and bless
their hearts I know laughed at me, but it was funny too.

I call it the hellhome mainly because of the way I was treated. Not
by all the nurses, a few yes, a couple were just down right hateful.
But where I had my problems were the heads of the different
departments there. They never knew when I was in my right
mind and what I was aware of and what I wasn't. They asked me
quite a few times didn't I think I would be better off in a place more
suited to me, people my own age etc. I was fine there, I did have a
good doctor and most of the aides and nurses took excellent care
of me... I lived in hell most of the time due to the depression and
the treatment from the administration help. They hated when I
would tell a family that they needed to check on their mom or dad,
that things weren't right. I watched as my room mate died due to
neglect and nothing I could do about it... Was sad, and that didnt
help the depression either...

As that time went on from the 2nd amputation to the 3rd was such
a roller coaster ride all I can say now probly the only way I did make
it thru was because I was in a chair with wheels. lol. When the time
came for the 3rd amputation I was a little more stable, but not to
a point that the depression left, I was just handling it better. The
3rd amputation came on so suddenly that I had no warning at all..
From morning to that night was all the warning I had that some
thing was wrong as the pain increased all day until I was rushed to
hospital and told the leg HAD to come off right then, no waiting.
The next morning it was taken.

There are so many other factors when you lose limbs that affect
us so drastically its hard to know which you treat first. Depression,
anger, acceptance, physical needs, just living daily, so many things
to have to adjust to, and I dont think they will ever stop. Each day
even now is so different there is always some new challenge but
at least the depression isnt so bad, I dont think it will ever go away,
but I think Ive just learned ways to cope with it better just as I
have learned ways of coping with living without legs.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I have to say I do have ALOT to
be thankful for, I'm here, have a place to live, 2 great companions
here, family and all my friends that live here in this world, and I
AM thankful...I really am... I may not have the feet, but I'm still
kickin' :-).. and I'm grateful..."Happy Thanksgiving!"

Y'all have a good one now Y'hear? luv ya.. THANKS !!!!! :-)
Always, Lois***