~Sad Boys~

Saturday, and no word.. I dont know where I stand or what is happening..I do know I have some sad boys.. I dont feel the greatest myself.. The bottom line here is that whatever the courts decide..Once that report is filed and I have to go in there, when I roll out, I will have 7 days to vacate this apartment no if's and's or butt's. I have been saying all along for a while I want a place more private, but I was hoping I could take my time finding a nice place..7 days is not long enough. However, I will have no choice.. I just would like to know how long I have to do this-7 days or 7 weeks..or 7 months.. I know I will be moving from here, mainly because of the privacy issue but I feel I will be watched alot and I dont like that at all.. and I feel this apartment mgr wants me out of this place, so I think moving will be to my advantage and I would be wise to move, if I lose my HUD housing THAT is what will make the biggest difference and is the main issue here...HUD... Since the method I chose is not legal or suitable to some I will just have to do with out.. I didnt want all those pills in me before..I dont now.. The pains..well I can endure them ..unless they get extreme but then if it got bad bad..that I cannot handle them then I would call 911..But to explain the phantoms..and what I feel..is so hard to describe to someone that has not had this done to them..The depression is a daily thing. I am reminded daily , minute by minute of the loss of my legs every time I move or look at myself.. no matter where I am.. From the time I open my eyes I feel the loss of my legs.. I know they are gone..and until I close my eyes at night I am constantly reminded of my loss..the depression from this..is overwhelming at times.. To lose a loved one..Dad, Mother, Sibling, child..still even that does not compare.As time goes by.. the memory is there of them yes. but the pain and heartache ease.. and you arent reminded every day that they are gone..THAT is the biggest difference. This loss I feel is always until my eyes never open again...and will always be there.. My choice gave me a appetite, helped me sleep, cope with my daily issues, and even at times let me smile and have a good time..I can remember that there were days I even said.."wow, Im happy today, this is gonna be a ok day !" I dont want to lose that, but I have no choice now. I cant risk going thru all this again.. Its driving me insane, the way they are doing this is cruel and inhuman punishment not knowing what is going on.. I have ONLY myself to blame..and I will have to accept the consequences now..and Just do the best I can.. I say that "I quit, I cant take anymore, im tired of the daily fight to live" but.. well these bloomin wheels just keep rollin and well my fat butt is sittin in this chair.so....I still have to try...what else can I do.. I am not a quitter but boy..sometimes the thought has crossed my mind. My Doctor came once a month..his first question" how are you?" then I say..well this pill didnt work and I feel awful..he says Ok lets try this one if it doesnt work we will try this one.. I was on so many trial pills was pathetic..THEN when I did take a pain pill if it was really a bad day I threw up..they clashed with the other meds I was on.. What all these 12 or so pills I took did to me and my head was horrible. When they all worked out of my system ..I sat one day and thought to myself..'My God..I DO have a Brain!!!' I was so amazed at how much better I felt.. I am NOT condoning this to anyone.but thats how it was for me.. I have to honestly say..I have heard of a few others that have done the same thing..how can 12 or 14 pills allll work together to fix you..to me they cant..and didnt.. and I am not going to go back on them.. There was a lady I talked to said well quit your self medicating , I said then you are telling me to take drugs? she says no..but find some thing else to help you with your health issues..Ummm what else is there? shots..eletrodes? Pills are what every doctor dispenses. My sister pays over 150 a month for just ONE prescription..People are now going to Canada to buy their drug prescriptions because of the cost here as these doctors are prescribing so many pills for people to take..I see new pills advertised on tv every day for just about any sort of ailment there is.. I dont want them..and I wont take them. So anyway.. was a ok day today, Raelynn came over with part of her family , her son and his 3 children, just to say hello..was such a nice treat..Her son is having a bit of a hard time..bless his heart... and he has 3 lovely children, son, 2 daughters..cute kids..(hes cute too). Was nice to have company, She said she will bring another tomato from her garden.. She brought me one friday..Ohhhh LORD.. WHAT a taste.. I gently peeled it..cut it in slices I was going to make a sand which and I just couldnt STAND it.. I grabbed that first slice, took that bite, and closed my eyes and just SAVORED the taste it was SO good...it was wonderful.. I hope she has TONS of tomato plants :-) The summer veggies..I love them all.. That zucchini I had last week I can almost still taste. The joys of summer and gardens.. :-) Thanks again for all your support and suggestions..and advice all are gratefully accepted and I appreciate the messages and the phone calls and mail..It really means alot. Im not hungry tonite and I doubt I will sleep much..I will go and play with my sad boys for a while just to ease the stress on them..LB has started to whine all the time..and you see the sad Dutch..is that a sad little man or what? breaks my heart. and really I did this to him..I guess they do have selfish mother..I didnt take into consideration their benefit.. I just hope that this new place I find..I can take them with me..Most places will not allow pets. Raelynn has assured me she would take care of them..but how can I be with out my boys? they HAVE to be with their mom, Im their mother! lol..Non pet people do not under stand this type of feeling..but us pet lovers do.. :-) I am SO thank ful they are here or I would be all by myself here and really alone, so we are going to go and play for a while but we say Nitey nite. Y 'all have a good one now y'hear? Luv ya..and THANKS !!!! Always, Lois *** May God Bless you today, I'm so honored to call you friend, I pray the Lord will keep you safe, Until I write again...