~Up In The Air ~

Things are still up in the air here and I honestly dont know

what is happening.. I ve called dozens of people today and

cant find any help let alone a lawyer..The law says you are

innocent until proven guilty.. yet that is SO not true.. Many

many do NOT think of it that way at all..And that is so not

fair..


I have no idea what is going on..and I am afraid to call and

find out. I wait and listen for a knock at the door and make my

self sick because I am just so stressed. I tried to sleep last nite

I was up until 430 this morning trying to figure out exactly what

to do since I know they will come and arrest me and I know I

will have to move.. I get so upset and confused I dont know what

to do, where to go or anything and this stress is overpowering.

I guess I did this to my own self for thinking that anyone would

possibly understand my motives, the bottom line that seems to

be the only issue is that it was illegal and there fore there are

NO extenuating circumstances. I tried to call and find out just

what the procedures are of the police here and the reference

from the past Chief of Police and Police Officers as to their

policies were lies..The officers that was here lied..Did you know

that a cop can deliberately LIE to you to get what they want out

of you? Just to intimidate you? how awful .. Because they are

a public servant supposedly they have the right to lie to get

what they want to make themselves look good.. I dont under

stand that. Cops dont have to be people just cops..and do their

jobs at what ever it costs the people they are dealing with ..and

that there may be extenuating causes etc that they wont even

consider much less care about as long as they can say "I am

only doing my job" I did NOT know it was the Policy of the Police

to deliberately lie, intimidate and scare people so they get what

they want. I just do not understand that..

Cops have a dangerous job, yes. But the treatment they give out

at least the ones in this town is horrible.. I have met a few on the

force here and I would not rate any of them as very good at their

job. The attitudes they have here remind me of that Eddie Murphy

movie with Nick Nolte..when Eddie walks into that bar and says
"your worst nightmare has arrived," and boy is that true, then they

wonder why people even kids have no respect for them.. Fear I

guess is the kind of respect they like..thats how I feel anyway..

I did something that to them was illegal to me it was illegal but my

only recourse to have some kind of stable and pain free life, but

apparently that has NO bearing on anything..illegal is illegal..so

now its just a matter of waiting to be arrested, my apartment taken

away and other benefits as well,, but I guess was my own fault and

now I will just have to face the consequences what ever they may

be .. If this ticker doesnt act up again I should make it through.

I did call to make a Drs. appointment today to check and see if I

had a minor stroke, but I can't get in until next week..If I am around
I will go then. I am fully aware of what a heart attack feels like and I

know that is what it was monday nite after all this commotion that

morning, the tight chest..the pain in the arms and the stiffness that

rises up thru your neck and jaw making it hard to even talk..I know.

and that is what happened. I am ok..and I feel very sluggish since

but..well I guess this happening is my own fault too..I guess since

i really did this to myself I should just whup myself severely about

the head and face and tell my self "LOIS! you are SUCH a BAD

BAD person to do something ILLEGAL in the name of SELF

medicating"..:-)

Thank you for all your support and good wishes, it makes me feel

so much better to know you care and are sending all those

nice hugs and kisses to me, it honestly does help..be nice if they

really could touch me..but I feel them just the same..and I really

do thank you so very very much...I am not hungry today and I

just have to go back to bed for a while..This post is very early but

I have to go and lay down ..I didnt want to be extremely late

or not at all to cause you more worry for me.. So at least

as of this time of 4 in the after noon I am still here at home and

at my computer..well soon at my bed if I can stay out of the bath

room..the nausea is HORRIBLE. My boys are sticking to me like

glue and Dutch is just a sick little guy..hes so depressed and

just mopes and comes up and rubs against me just like LB does..

I hate what this has done to them..they sure didnt deserve this

from me or anyone to be this upset.. I feel even worse for that..

they have such a horrible mother. We 3 all say nitey nite, and

hopefully will be here tomorrow..

Y'all have a good one now Y'hear? luv ya..bunches..and thanks.

ALways, Lois ****

May God Bless you today,

I'm so honored to call you friend,

I pray the Lord will keep you safe,

Until I write again...