~Scared Is A Bad Feeling~

I told a friend today that I have not in a long long time ever

felt like I have now for the past month and I really dont like

this feeling . I am SCARED. I cant remember ever being

this bad, even as I lay and waited for them to take me into

the operating rooms to take my legs, or to even repair my

heat.Being this scared I dont like. and I AM this way mainly

because I dont have legs. Scared is such a lonely feeling.

A dear friend phoned me the other day that was concerned

about me and I have known him for quite a few years but we

never talked on the phone, we chatted and he got mad at me

because I was whining and just being a big baby which I was,

My phone rang and I heard him it was so good. It was like 2

arms came through the phone and hugged me and made me

feel better. A friend from Australia phoned and was so sweet

he made me feel like all over the world the friends I have do

care for me and how my life is going, My friend way down south

and even though facing a hurricane still managed to call and

ask how it was going... This makes me feel so good It really

does...I know I am not really alone...

When Raelynn and Wayne and I went to breakfast and to sit

across from a handsome strong man was so nice, to be able

when I talked to him to reach out and pinch his arm or pat it,

to be able to do that was so nice, I really realized just how

much I am really alone and how much I miss that. Its not the

same to hold one of my boys and cry they love me and try so

hard to make me feel better, I held LB the other day and usually

he wont let anyone hold him ..he let me and as the tears rolled

down my cheeks his little rough tongue licked them away and

he looked so lovingly at me I cried even harder that I had so

carelessly endangered their home. What If I cant find a place

that will allow cats or what if they only allowed one.. How would

I choose between my boys as to which one I could keep? It

would break my heart...I have been so careless..

The nurse came today, he was very nice, and he said he is just

the assessor, and he drew blood and took my temp, I have a

fever and my Blood Pressure is EXTREMELY high, and my

scar on my left stump is looking very serious. He phoned the

Dr. while he was here and she ordered it so a nurse would

now come twice a week to monitor me and they are concerned

about the scar and they will draw blood weekly which is SO

not a good feeling.. They can only draw from my thumb. I will

have a nurse for the next month possibly longer and he

suggested I have a caregiver move in with me.

All this crap has taken such a toll on me. Chris phoned today and

we got in a big fight and he said I cannot talk to him any more I have

to go thru HOPE. He said the eviction will go thru.. I asked him to

just give me some time and I will get out but I need time.. and to NOt

take my HUD. I checked the paper today for houses and apts to

rent and there are very very few and the rent starts at 4 -500 a month

I cant afford that. If Raelynn and Wayne and I all live together It would

save each of us.. What if I couldnt afford to have the inter net? THat

would NOT be a good thing. I only get $603.00 a month to live on.

and it sure doesnt stretch very far, I will have to be very careful...

Well I didnt sleep but a couple hours last nite and I havent eaten any

thing, not since tuesday and i am NOT even hungry .. I will just get

a soda and maybe play some solitaire. I do have my bank statement

I need to balance but I dont think THAT would undo this stress at

all~~!!!!! :-) Probly make it WORSE lol...anyway, hitting the publish

and sayin Nitey Nite, hope your day was better than mine.

Y'all have a good one Y'hear? Luv ya.. and thanks.. :-)

Always, Lois ****

God Bless you is my prayer today,

I'm so honored to call you "friend";

I pray the Lord will keep you safe

until I write again..